Dreaming of other men.

Never in life has one been able to control his or her dreams. It's no surprise that I have no hold over what crosses my mind in my hours of sleep. Strange images, like scenes from a movie, penetrate my mind as though they were a reflection of the day's events. Ironically, my life just isn't as fabulous as perceived in dreamland.

I dream of having a baby, a couple of months old, giggling and playing in our matrimonial bed. Such the opposite of what real life is.

I dream of making out with various men, all whom did cross paths with me in real life one time or another. A Polytechnic classmate, GW, and my ex-boyfriend. I was sneaking hot steamy sex sessions with them behind my man's back. And I wonder what is causing such nocturnal fantasies.

My man hasn't been performing well in bed. He's been having problems getting it up. And when he does get erect, he'll usually have problems KEEPING it up. It is getting irritating on my part. Sex hasn't been as fulfilling as before, and it's been dipping gradually for the last few months. And that is not the end of his sexual problems.

He's having problems reaching orgasm as well. We can be going on for an hour and still he wouldn't be getting even close to a climax. On the other hand, I would have had a couple or even multiples already and starting to get bored of the whole shebang. The occassions on which we end the session without him coming is increasing, and at the same time, getting increasing frustrating for me.

I am not saying that having such personal problems isn't vexing for him, but it's affecting me as well. I don't want to be pleased endlessly without my man getting any part of the fun. I want to see his excitement building, and eventually culminating in a burst of pleasure. It makes me feel good. Nonetheless, for my ego, it makes me feel like I can please him sexually and that I am good in bed. Him not coming just makes me feel like I suck in bed.

We don't know where the problem is, or where the root of it lies. And ultimately, it is his penis, not mine, so if he can't sort it out, I can't exactly help either. I've been wondering if it's due to stress and lack of sufficient rest, but until he can plan his life proper, there's nuts I can do. I only know that everytime we try to have sex, something will fuck up somewhere and it's getting on my nerves.

I think it will be a long time til I next initiate sex. In any case, I'm always the one doing the initiating. I've long gotten sick of it. Maybe no sex is better than lousy sex.

no more again

I slept with a guy I met for barely 4 hours. He's charming and suave, and it was almost impossible to resist his electrifying eyes and deep, smooth voice. I had wanted to go, but the angry resentment and frustration I had towards my man just propelled me to do the wrong thing to piss him off.

That was Monday night. It's early Friday morning now and I haven't spat a single word about the incident. I joked about it, and he had his doubts, but I hardly think he would suspect that anything happened. I wonder how long this secret will stay within me. Judging from the short-changed relationship I'm in and the amount of negativity that has welled up inside me, I'm thinking I'll never speak about it to him. He doesn't have the right to know that I've erred. Because he can almost qualify for the worst emotional partner a woman can ever have. I know he's the worst man I've ever had. The least caring, the least loving and definitely the one that dedicates the least time to me.

Somehow, I don't actually feel bad that I've slept with someone else. At least that man dished out honest compliments throughout the night and appreciates me for who I am.

starting work. again.

It's been long since the last time I started working. Not that long actually, but it does feel like it was really long ago. The fact that I'm starting in a brand new industry makes it all more unnerving than it should be. The environment is more Mat-yoyo than I would like, but then again, we all know the Mats take the majority of the nightlife jobs. Is that why they all think I'm Mat as well? I've always known that I can look quite the part, but having colleagues constantly ask me "Are you Malay?" is more than I can take. However, the customers all think I'm foreign, prefering to ask me if I'm Eurasian or if I'm local. THAT makes me feel more flattered, and I wish things could stay like that.

My feet hurt from standing for the last 6 hours at work. Optimistically, I can look forward to losing weight since I will NEVER get to sit down during work hours. Pessimistically, I have to start spending money to get black pants and sleeved tops for work before I even get paid a single cent. That sucks big time.

I'm hoping the new club will contact me soon and offer me something better paying and more interesting. Maybe they will take me in as a door bitch or a PR Executive. They ARE a new club afterall. And they definitely have more positions up for grabs. Meanwhile, I'll just have to stay put at where I am now and earn $6.50 per hour.

coldness all over again

He's being cold to me all over again. He says he has questions about this relationship and himself. I think he needs more time to himself to sort his thoughts out, but unfortunately, his work keeps him busy until midnight each day. Even this weekend, he's been rushing out work. At this rate, I'm really uncertain about when he'll ever be able to be more normal again... And as the state of this relationship lies pretty much in his hands, it'll probably be quite fucked until he knows what he wants and what he can do.

Last morning, he even told me that I should go date other men so that I can find greener pastures to move off to. I felt really upset by that. Does he not see that the only man I've ever loved and possibly ever will love is him? Does he not want to be with me? Is my love not enough to make him want to save this relationship?

I am worrying about the outcome of it all.

Love is such a beautiful thing, and that's how it can manage to hurt us the worst because we never ever saw it coming behind that lovely facade... Yet another irony of life...

I'm starting to wonder if he what he feels for me really is love. He knows what love consists of and can grasp the concept fine, but does he have that amazing feeling that I have each day just knowing that I love him? This feeling doesn't come just because I'm loved in return. I just have it knowing that I love him and that I'm allowed to love him anyway I want.

I've never wanted to love anyone because I knew how much it can hurt. And now, it really is hurting me. I almost feel like walking away because there is so much pain... But the same love that is breaking me down is keeping me here to wait for that fairytale-like ending. The same love that makes me want to bear his children and spend the rest of my life with him. And these are the same dreams that are slowly killing me inside. The reality is so different, but yet I persist. Even though he is not by my side pushing forward to these same dreams, I still harbour the slightest hope that it will all come true in the end.

Am I being the dreamer that I am? I feel that I'm being silly. I'm not doing myself any good. But what else can I do now? My mind and my heart at opposing ends and I'm tearing right down in the middle... And unlike before, as I am hoping that someone can come save me, I know no one can. I'm the only one fighting this battle, and obviously the odds are against me.

what goes around comes around

So last night I turned him down. And tonight, right now, he is still at his work. I don't see anything happening anytime soon.

Wednesday is going to be a busy day at work for him. He's pre-empted that much. And Thursday he wants some time to himself. To do what I'm not sure, but he did mention meeting friends and having a couple of drinks and stuff like that. Now I have to start searching for my own activities. Not that if he was home we'd be doing anything. I'll still have to find my own shit to do if he was home cos we'll be running our own shows separately.

Did I mention that I hate this shit?

vindictive rejection

I turned down his sexual advances last night because I just didn't feel like letting him have it. Not like he was coming on strong anyway. He's never been one man who needed or wanted a lot of sex. I should count myself lucky for even having it 3 times a week. Unfortunately I haven't been very lucky recently. The last time we had it was on Sunday afternoon. And before that, it was a Monday. So these days, I get some action approximately every 4-5 days. That sucks. Big time. But what can I do? I don't have the heart to distract him from his work, and I'm not even confident that it would work. He would probably just say that he feels tempted, but that's just that. Temptation with no action is still equivalent to naught.

Maybe I'm just being silly for turning down any little that I can get. Apparently the lack of sex doesn't do any damage to him anywhere. Not to his ego, not to his sex drive. I wonder why I even bother.

It's just a pity that sex is actually so very good with him. If it had sucked, I probably would have started sleeping around long ago. Such an irony. Good sex, but doesn't happen often. I guess what they say is true. Good things come to those who wait.

I hate this shit.

fantasy came true

I've always wanted to see him make out with another woman. A hot one, that is. The whole Saturday night came almost as a shock. It was only planned that we would head down to Gotham Penthouse and enjoy the remainder of the night. (Which wasn't a lot by the way, cos by the time we went out, it was already 1am.) Who knew that we would meet that crazy girl, Kat, just downstairs from Gotham.

It was a moment of weirdness. We were wondering if we should accept her invitation and join her group of friends, or if we should keep to our original plans. We didn't have a big budget for the night, only $100 for the two of us. It would be enough of us to get relatively high if we were to get drinks by the jugs, and having gone out with Kat and group before, we know the chance of overspending was quite high.

But Kat brought her group along. And said ONLY at Gotham's door, that they were sharing a bottle and we were included. So there goes $38 for him. I had already paid for my $15 entry, so I was safe. =p

But on hindsight, had we insisted to keep to our plans instead of joining Kat's crazy debauchery, he wouldn't have been able to make out with this HOT girl, Linda. She was the prettiest in the group, exuding a slight air of elegance and possessing poise with every move and the little black dress she had on.

He had said, minutes after we were there, that he felt Linda had the hots for him. I wasn't too certain of it, because Linda was also busy entertaining the other men there (all Caucasians, by the way) besides giving my man the eye. None of them there knew we were together, except Kat herself. So I guess they were open to showing their interests, except towards me. I was I'm too big compared to the other girls there, and I'm probably not their type either. They weren't mine too. So I guess that's kind of fair. Or maybe I'm just trying to comfort myself.

We started the drinking and the dancing, with exception of the guys anyway. Hot lesbian kissing and grinding happened throughout the night, with the guys enjoying the view. Then my man started to get high/drunk. He pulled Linda over and made out with her. I must say it was REALLY hot watching him make out so lustily with another HOT woman. My hot man, another hot woman. I was just contented to watch the show. My thoughts of flirting for the night was thrown out the window after watching him enjoy physical closeness with another woman. He was so confident, almost cocky, when teasing Linda. He knew she wanted him, and he was confident enough to make advances. He turned me on so much just by being such an assertive sexual man. If only he was like that all the time.

Unfortunately for him, he couldn't remember much except little snippets here and there. The embarrassment he had on his face in the morning was hilarious. He underestimated the vodka and the alcohol hit him all of a sudden. But he didn't stop drinking. In fact, he didn't even know he was still drinking. He was just running on auto-pilot.

I guess he would have preferred to remember the sexy incident, but if he hadn't gotten drunk, he probably wouldn't be so confident and the whole thing wouldn't even have happened. I wish I had recorded it down for him to see. But the clubs are always so dark, it would have been impossible to see anything even if I HAD recorded it. Thankfully he remembers snippets. Better than nothing, I would say.

Come next weekend, I think it would be sexy to see him with the same woman again. I know he would probably never go as far as to having sex with her, but I am hoping to watch them go at each other hot and heavy. Double hotness!